"My Revolution"

Since it's almost New Year's this song is again one of my favorites!!! And this year I really am going to make this my goal "to live, to love today, cause it's a brand new year!!!"

Learning to turn the outside inside out
Having the courage to find what life is all about
Loving so purely can surely melt a frozen heart
Knowing sometimes all over's the perfect place to start
Welcome to my revolution
Lucky you, lucky me maybe were meant to be
This is my one resolution and I make it with no fear
To live, to love today!
'Cause it's a brand new year
Seeing the world through rose-colored eyes
Yeah, this is my one big chance and I'm gonna take it twice
With the past down below, I know love lifted me up here
So I'll take a breath, kiss the sky, toll the bell
'Cause it's a brand new year
Resiliently reclaiming me
Refining my recovery
Untwist my fate, unlock the gate
Let's make a little noise
'Cause it's a brand new year
Oh, welcome to my revolution
Welcome to my revolution, baby, yeah Lucky you, lucky me maybe were meant to be
This is my one resolution and I make it with no fear
It's never been so clear
Second chance is what got me here
To live, to love today
'Cause it's a brand new year
Lucky you, lucky me'Cause it's a brand new year

...Just peachy...

What a weekend haha oh man so I love it...I finally got my life figured out, I'm the girl who is the best friend around to give the dating advice to the guys (which girls love so much heads up ;) haha) and then I've screwed up my families lives so much now which is also just great. I wish there was a way that I could fix all the dumb problems I have created, I wish there was a way I could apologise to everyone I've hurt, a way to fix all the things I've ruined/broken. I guess this is my way of venting, sorry it's not meant to be a pitty me thing (if anyone reads this) just know it is my way to get everything off my chest and to think through it all...


...I don't know what to do anymore...


I am so grateful for this gospel in my life, for the love of my Savior and Heavenly Father. I know this church is true. I am so lucky to have been blessed to have been born in this dispensation in which the fullness of the gospel is restored to the earth and I am blessed to have been born into a family who is sealed together for all time and eternity. And I am blessed to have so many friends around me who support and care and who are strong examples to me in my life. And for having the comfort and guidance of the Holy Ghost, and for the power of prayer and being able to have direct and personal conversation's with our Father above.
...I don't have multiple personalities heads up there was a good 2 hours between not knowing what to do and the second part of this, I actually wasn't even going to post it, but I keep feeling like I should share it because of how strongly I feel!

14 Days

So in Relief Soceity we were given a packet 14 days ago, and challenged to dedicate the following 14 days to walking with our Savior and getting to know Him on a deeper level.
It was literally one of the most amazing expierences of my life. I have such a greater appreciation for Him and for all that He has done for me. I know without a doubt He is my Heavenly brother and He loves and cares about me deeply. He knows what pains and trials I go through, He sees my joys, He knows my hopes and fears. I loved the begining statement to this whole endeavor... "The only way that we can truly know another person is to walk in their shoes-think what they think, learn what they know, and understand what they say, do what they would do. Christ said, "Be ye therefore perfect." We can only accomplish this as we become like Him."
The last 14 days have been amazing, they weren't all that easy some of them have been the greatest trials I have had to this point. I had my heart broken, I have let down my family yet again, I have lost my dog (sorta), and I came to realize I have a lot of work to do before I can even imagine trying to be in some form of a relationship with someone, I have found many of my weaknesses and have come to the knowledge that there is no possible way I could ever do this on my own. I have learned so much from the past two weeks though. There is going to be trial and tribulation in all things that is how we develop Christ like attributes in order that we may more fully understand the price that He paid for us, and so we may be able to return and live with Him again one day.
Although this time has been hard in my life I have grown a greater appreciation for this gospel I have learned so much and I am so grateful for this experience. I am so lucky to have the life that I have. To be able to face the trials and challenges I have been given in life.
I love this time of year when everyone comes to realize what is REALLY important in our lives. I now know why we save Christmas until the very end of the year. We all need time to focus on what really matters in life every year, and by saving it til this time it renews our hope, and reaffirms our convictions of truth. :D MERRY CHRISTMAS, I HOPE THIS ONE IS THE BEST YET!!!

Satan's Convention

Satan called a worldwide convention. In his opening address to his evil angels, he said, "We can't keep the Christians from going to church. We can't keep them from reading their Bibles and knowing the truth. We can't even keep them from the conservative values. But we can do something else. We can keep them from forming an intimate, abiding experience with Christ. If they gain that connection with Jesus, our power over them is broken. So let them go to church, let them have their conservative lifestyles, but steal their time, so they can't gain that relationship with Jesus Christ. This is what I want you to do, angels. Distract them from gaining hold of their Savior and maintaining that vital connection thoroughout their day!"
"How shall we do this?" shouted the angels.
"Keep them busy in the nonessentials of life and invent unnumbered shams to occupy their minds," he answered. "Tempt them to spend, spend, spend, spend, then borrow, borrow, borrow. Convince the wives to go to work and the husbands to work six to seven days a week, ten to twelve hours a day, so they can afford their lifestyles. Keep them from spending time with their children. As their family fragments, soon, their homes will offer no escape from teh pressure of work. Over-stimulate their minds so they cannot hear that still, small voice."
"Entice them to play the radio or music whenever they drive. Keep the TV, the VCR, CDs and the Internet going constantly in their homes. See to it that every store and restaurant in the world plays music constantly. This will jam their minds and break that union with Christ. Fill their coffee tables with magazines and newspapers. Pound their minds with the news 24 hours a day. Invade any other moments with order catalogues, every kind of newsletter and promotional offereings, free products, services and false hopes."
"Even in their recreation, let them be excessive. Have them return from their recreation exhausted and unprepared for the coming week. Don't let them go out in nature. Send them to amusement parks, sporting events, and concerts instead."
"And when they meet for spiritual fellowship, involve them in gossip and small talk so that they leace with troubled consciences and unsettled emotions. Let them be involved in good. But crowd their lives with so many good causes that they have no time sto seek the power from Christ. Soon they will be working using their own strength, sacrificing their health and family unity for the good of the cause."
It was quite a convention in the end. And all the evil angles went eagerly to their assignments causing Christians everywhere to get busy, busy, busy and rush here and there.

So I read this the other day and have been thinking about it ever since. Today I made a solemn promise to myself not to let anyone stand in my way of where I want to be in the end. I walked to and from church today, and it was so amazing, I mean I take the time to be out in nature whenever I get the chance normally but by making the concious decision to walk especially after church I had so much more time to think and ponder the day. And all I can say is WOW I love this gospel I am SO grateful for this church and for the blessing of having been born into the gospel for all that my Savior has done, and for the light I have been blessed to have. For my friends and my family who provide me with examples and strength every single day. I know my strength comes from my Savior and Heavenly Father and I know this is the true church I know that I need to take more time and ponder upon the important things in life rather than being so rushed I walk past the beauty of fresh snow, or beautiful blossoms. Thank you!

GRATITUDE!!!

So today I went and helped my aunt at a service thing...oh man I am SO blessed in this life!!! I can't believe how selfish I am at times, I have been spending all this time worring about boys, relationships, work, school, books, finances, my family, etc. but today I got hit with reality! I was just helping her carry bags and watch her girls (their going through a really hard time right now) and I was watching the people around me. There were over 150 homeless and destitute families from all over Utah there today. I can't believe it some many people have life so much more difficult than I if I just took the time to step out of my own little world I could help so much more!!! I was able to stay and help a lot of the families today which was an amazing experience!!!

I am SO grateful for the things I have been blessed with in this life. I can't believe how much I have taken for grantide. I also saw Seven Pounds last night which is another reason I think this has all hit me so hard....I want to make an impact like that on someone's life. I want to be someone who helps every single person I come in contact with, but I want to do it without thanks or acknowledgement of my deeds!!! I am SO SO SO lucky for all the blessing's I have sure things have been hard, sure relationships are difficult, sure money is an issue at times, sure I have a million dreams I may never be able to see through. But I have a home that I am safe in, I have a family who loves me dearly, I have friends who are the most amazing people I know, I have a job I love, I have the ability to help others around me, and I promise myself right now I'm gonna do it!!! :D

FINALLY!!!

So I've been struggling to figure this out now for a while, and last night after going to the temple, and doing a lot of thinking, I finally got it! This is my sort of public apology to the people I have hurt in my life...

First of all sorry it took me this long to figure this all out, but I finally got it. You told me your answer and mine didn't match and I couldn't understand... Well I do now, although I was happy I was being selfish I can't be the person to make you happy. You deserve the very best in this life and I have no doubts at all that your gonna find it! Sorry I was selfish for so long and wouldn't let go, but thank you for being you, for letting me know you, for teaching me so much. It wasn't perfect and it wasn't easy but it taught me so much. Thank you!

Sorry to everyone else in the process that I hurt, I honestly didn't mean to. But I know that that was something I had to go through. Because I had to learn the lessons I did, and I know I am a better person for it. But I know I hurt a lot of people along the way, I was selfish again and only thought of what I wanted and that's not right. But I'm learning and growing and promising to never repeat the same mistakes again.

I know that none of the people I need to read this probably ever will, but I needed to write it down for me. I can't change the past, I can't go back and erase what I've done, but I can choose to pick myself up off the floor and learn from it, or sit and cry about it. Well crying has never gotten me anywhere and it won't bring anything back. So right here and now I'm promising to learn from my past, and to work hard to create a better future. Again I'm sorry, and thank you for everything!

The Race

So tonight at FHE the teacher read us one of his favorite poems and talked about how it compares to our lives, when we're going through trials, hardships, and heartache we need to "get up and win the race" I really liked it! The lesson wasn't something spectacular out of the ordinary or amazing but it carried a strong message that really touched me, and helped with somethings going on in life...

The Race
By: Dee H. Groberg
Whenever I start to hang my head in front of failure’s face, my downward fall is broken by the memory of a race. A children’s race, young boys, young men; how I remember well, excitement sure, but also fear, it wasn’t hard to tell. They all lined up so full of hope, each thought to win that race or tie for first, or if not that, at least take second place. Their parents watched from off the side, each cheering for their son, and each boy hoped to show his folks that he would be the one.
The whistle blew and off they flew, like chariots of fire, to win, to be the hero there, was each young boy’s desire. One boy in particular, whose dad was in the crowd, was running in the lead and thought “My dad will be so proud.” But as he speeded down the field and crossed a shallow dip, the little boy who thought he’d win, lost his step and slipped. Trying hard to catch himself, his arms flew everyplace, and midst the laughter of the crowd he fell flat on his face. As he fell, his hope fell too; he couldn’t win it now. Humiliated, he just wished to disappear somehow.
But as he fell his dad stood up and showed his anxious face, which to the boy so clearly said, “Get up and win that race!” He quickly rose, no damage done, behind a bit that’s all, and ran with all his mind and might to make up for his fall. So anxious to restore himself, to catch up and to win, his mind went faster than his legs. He slipped and fell again. He wished that he had quit before with only one disgrace. “I’m hopeless as a runner now, I shouldn’t try to race.”
But through the laughing crowd he searched and found his father’s face with a steady look that said again, “Get up and win that race!” So he jumped up to try again, ten yards behind the last. “If I’m to gain those yards,” he thought, “I’ve got to run real fast!” Exceeding everything he had, he regained eight, then ten...but trying hard to catch the lead, he slipped and fell again. Defeat! He lay there silently. A tear dropped from his eye. “There’s no sense running anymore! Three strikes I’m out! Why try? I’ve lost, so what’s the use?” he thought. “I’ll live with my disgrace.” But then he thought about his dad, who soon he’d have to face.
“Get up,” an echo sounded low, “you haven’t lost at all, for all you have to do to win is rise each time you fall. Get up!” the echo urged him on, “Get up and take your place! You were not meant for failure here! Get up and win that race!” So, up he rose to run once more, refusing to forfeit, and he resolved that win or lose, at least he wouldn’t quit. So far behind the others now, the most he’d ever been, still he gave it all he had and ran like he could win. Three times he’d fallen stumbling, three times he rose again. Too far behind to hope to win, he still ran to the end.
They cheered another boy who crossed the line and won first place, head high and proud and happy -- no falling, no disgrace. But, when the fallen youngster crossed the line, in last place, the crowd gave him a greater cheer for finishing the race. And even though he came in last with head bowed low, unproud, you would have thought he’d won the race, to listen to the crowd. And to his dad he sadly said, “I didn’t do so well.” “To me, you won,” his father said. “You rose each time you fell.”
And now when things seem dark and bleak and difficult to face, the memory of that little boy helps me in my own race. For all of life is like that race, with ups and downs and all. And all you have to do to win is rise each time you fall. And when depression and despair shout loudly in my face, another voice within me says, “Get up and win that race!”

"My Hallelujah Song"

So I just got back from a night ride with my friend Cindy (she is my hero, and a complete angel) I didn't even realize how much I have needed it this week...I went riding with her two weeks ago on Tuesday, and then I went last week and we talked about lots of things especially with our lives right now, and it has helped so much to be going with her there's something about being out with her and Dancer (her horse, she kindly lets me ride) I can't really explain it, but it's amazing what you discover about yourself, like tonight...

So I haven't been able to lope Dancer cause the dirt has been too hard, and his hurt leg, and everything else. Well tonight we got to a big open field and Cindy said, "go for it!" And Dancer and I took off...we had a fast, steady lope going and then he sped up more...I can't explain it really but oh my gosh it was exactly what I needed more than anything else right now, it was completely the alltime best feeling I have had for the past little while...my last entry states how I have been feeling like something is missing in life, well I'm not saying I found it now and everything is perfect again, but I found an out just like swing dancing is a way for me to escape from things, so is riding Dancer. There is a feeling of freedom in running with him and being out in an open field, just us two under millions of stars. I may not have gotten any answers and I may not get them I may always have a zillion question's but at least I have a way to feel completely free!

One of those days...

Have you ever had one of those days where the only way to make things make sense is to write it down?
I don'tknow I guess what I don't understand is well basically everything! Now don't me wrong I know a lot of things, I know the gospel is true, I know I have a testimony, I know my family loves me, I know my friends care for me, I know I'm supposed to be getting my education, I know I made the right decision to persue my dream with this daycare/preschool, I know how blessed I am to live here in America with all the freedoms we have, I know that there are amazing men and women fighting right now all over the world (not just Iraq) to perserve the joys and freedoms that we hold so dear in this country. What I can't seem to figure out is why I feel like something is always missing and yet I can't seem to find it...
I don't understand how everything works and I may never get the answer to all of life's little question's (cause I got loads of 'em ;) ) But I wish I could understand why it feels like something is missing sometimes, or why the thing's and dreams I have fought so long and hard for haven't worked? I guess the best answer I can come up with is follow my heart and keep trying...